When you feel torn apart by despair, especially over the state of your marriage/relationship or your life in general, do not listen to songs like “Against the Wind” or “Dust in the Wind”. They will not help.

My heart and soul feel as though they are being ravaged by wild beasts, evil-eyed beasts that lack compassion and decency of any kind. My defenses are weak, and my will to fight is drained as well. The only person who can offer me real help and comfort is someone I have to pay $50 a pop, which I don’t mind, except that it makes me feel like I’m walking a tightrope between sessions: one misstep and I’m in danger of falling back into the pit of vicious, hungry wolves. My friends are compassionate, and offer me help and comfort wherever they can, and remind me that I will never be alone. But a compassionate friend is not the same as my husband, my best friend, the person I entrusted with the darkest parts of my hearts, and the brightest. No one else can really bring solace to those deep parts of my being the way that he could, if he were able right now. There’s a hole in me, a missing part that might never be filled again.

This post is perhaps a bit too honest and exposing, and I apologize. I might even regret posting it, later. But I’m at my wits end, and thought that if I released some of my pain into the ether of cyberspace, it could serve as a sort of prayer for salvation.

This morning, idly drawing a card from my Tarot deck for comfort or clarity, I drew the Nine of Cups, the Wish card. Now if only I knew what to wish for.