My heart is heavy this morning. I have no idea how I completely missed the news. I mean, it’s half a month old at this point. How did no one tell me??

I can’t believe I never wrote her a letter to tell her how much I admired her. This woman is one of my heroes. Her writing has inspired me and comforted me since childhood. The world will be much less rich without her. I’ve read A Wrinkle in Time or A Wind in the Door at least once a year for longer than I can remember, anytime I start feeling a little sad or lonely. Meg Murray, the ugly duckling, was definitely a character I could identify with. And Calvin… ah, Calvin. I had such a crush on him. He was so perfect for Meg, even if he was a little two-dimensional.

Thank you, Madeline, for everything you brought to the world, and to my life.

Edit: I suppose this is an appropriate time to bid a respectful farewell to Robert Jordan, as well, who died this month after a long struggle with a rare blood disease. Alas, we will never know how the Eye of the World ends. I can’t say that I’m personally disappointed, but I do feel for his loyal fans, and salute him for his contributions in the realm of big-ass-fantasy-epics-that-go on-for-way-too-long. I have to respect him simply for being so prolific.

Feeling listless this morning. A day stuck at home, flu-ish, fatigued, and sweltering in my third floor apartment, probably has something to do with that. Just leaving the building and entering the cool autumn air this morning was a tremendous boost.

Walking back from grabbing breakfast at the pastry shop, the sun was just beginning to burn through the fog, a bright orange disk that looked more like a blood moon. It was mesmerizing - I had to remind myself not to look at it long.

My goal today is to move through the day in a spirit of fierce intent. Part of my listlessness, I think, is focusing too much on myself. I need to dwell less on my own angst and confusion, and focus more on helping others. The fog may clear if I stop letting myself feel aimless and instead put my energy into more productive pursuits. Like this morning’s sun, my brightness is still there, just obscured by the confusion I’m letting myself wallow in.

I’m slowly getting settled into my new apartment in Easthampton, which I have started referring to, if only in my mind, as the Dollhouse. This is because it’s small, with lots of strange angles, tiny doors, and other quirks that make it feel more like a toy than a real living space. I adore it. My closet doors look like they should lead to Narnia, or Wonderland. My doorknobs are wonderfully mismatched, like whoever installed them just had a sack of them that they drew from at random. The heater in the bathroom is black, a reminder that at one point, the bathroom was painted entirely black. (I like to speculate about the sort of person who decided that was a good idea.)

I’ve started dancing again. I finally purchased my first pair of real dancing shoes last night, and I love the way they slide across the dance floor with no resistance. I almost lost my balance during the first few spins, but I think I’m starting to get used to the lack of friction. I can’t remember why I stopped dancing, but I regret that I did, and I’m happy to be back.

I’ve also started teaching myself to knit, with Stitch n’ Bitch: The Knitter’s Handbook as my guide. I highly recommend it, along with Stitch n’ Bitch Crochet: The Happy Hooker. The patterns are cute, the instructions are easy, and both books are written with a sense of humor that make them enjoyable reading as well as useful guides. My first project is a scarf that I doubt I’ll ever wear more than a few times - it’s functional (except that the stockinette stitch makes the entire thing curl in on itself) but not particularly stylish. I snagged the pattern from Martha Stewart’s website as a practice project. (I’m actually starting to have respect for that woman, despite her ugly scarf pattern. I feel dirty.)

One day, I’ll start posting things on Etsy again. But there are many things that have to happen before that point. I need to finish unpacking (at least to the point where I can find my camera and have my craft supplies in some semblance of order, and make another light tent for picture-taking). I need to finish the projects I’m in the middle of, and restrain myself from starting new projects for myself (although I think this may be a lost cause). I need to feel like my life is back in order. Right now I still feel adrift in my own life, and I suspect that feeling won’t go away anytime soon. But adding some new routines helps me at least feel connected to things outside my brain and my apartment, which helps.

This has been a miserable summer, quite possibly the worst of my life. But things are looking up for the fall and beyond. This morning was beautiful - foggy and brisk, just how I like it. Sweater and scarf weather is here, but the afternoons are still sunny and warm. I’m feeling inspired to bake - as soon as I find my flour. Maybe some pumpkin muffins, or a pie, or a gingerbread. My kitchen is just begging for the cozy, homey, delicious smells of autumn.

Some thoughts from a dreary Tuesday afternoon:

Every thing contains and creates its opposite. Our pain enhances our capacity to feel future joys; the extent of our mis-steps defines our potential for later success. Duality is necessary for life; without it, there can be no change, no progress in either direction, no movement.

In good times, knowing this is bittersweet. It encourages me to enjoy every moment, because I know it is in the nature of everything to eventually end. I know that sadness and hardship will return. But it is comforting to know in times of anguish and darkness that the sun will shine again, that I will rise from the ashes of what once was, and that I will be stronger and able to experience even deeper joys than before. Happiness will find me again when I am not looking for it, will sneak up on me when I least expect it. First, in small fleeting moments of peace and clarity, and then more frequently, until the moments of gladness outnumber the moments of sadness.

My husband and I are getting divorced. It seems impossible that we were married barely a year ago, and that the end of the relationship has followed so soon after its beginning. But so it is. This, too, shall pass away. Nothing lasts forever, not even grief, small comfort that that is.

Dear National Phone Company:

Please, for the love of all that’s holy, stop printing all the pages of your bill on the same perforated paper you use to print the first page with remittance section. I should not have to tape our phone bill back together every month. The simple act of removing it from the envelope should not cause the entire document to fall apart. This is absurd.

Gratefully,
A.

Dear readers,

I promise I will post something more substantial some day. I have not abandoned you. Things will continue to be spotty for some time, but eventually my life will sort itself out and this blog will once again be a regular part of my life. In the meantime, continue to enjoy the quotes on the sidebar. I still add to the list every few days, so there should be new food for thought each time you visit. The del.icio.us links will also continue to update, although I can’t guarantee that they’ll be interesting to anyone other than me.

Love,
A.